my rather icky day

(devoid of emotion) hey
(depressed sounding)
today was supossed to be awsome. i was going to a party for a good friend, then eating ice cream with my girls camp group, then having a sleepover with candi.
first the party was canceled, but i was still happy. i mean, i was gonna hang out with some friends that night. then candi calls, and cansles the sleepover. i wasn't ticked, or angery with her, i understood, it was mothersday the next day, i was sad, but cool.

then came the ice cream. that was when all happyness died. don't get me wrong, i had an ok time. i still got to talk with a few freinds, and remince about last year's camp. but..
about 15 minutes before the others got to the fenton's, where we were meeting, i call my friend, holly( i don't have a nicname for you yet holly, sorry!), to make sure shes comming. she says shes in the car now, with bella...and brynn.
for those of you that have known me, and i mean REALLY known me, you'll understand the signifigance of those last two words...
i don't blame holly at all, she didn't even know brynn was comming.

see, brynn and i used to be friends.
but i was allways immature, and a pain, i admitt, and finaly, we ...just stopped. i was bummbed, i didn't get that i was in the wrong, like i do now. but i hate it when people are mad at me, so i kept trying to fix it. i hate confrontation, but i think i was pleanty polite when i told brynn i was sorry for what ever i'd done, and we didn't have to be friends, but could we be civle to each other?

that was when the lies began. about me. stealling, and...other things. soon, all the sevanth graders, and some of the younger kids too, hated me. once again, i was the freaky reader girl with few friends. but this time it was worse, i had no friends. and this time, no one would even try, aside from a handful of fifth/ fourth graders.
i went to depression concling for over a year and a half. i wrote and wrote and wrote eveything that had happend in jornals, big coposition note books. my words of fear and saddness and lonlinees and hate filled 3 in seventh grade alone.

i wanted to die. i was miserable. i had few friends, no one in my grade, no one to be exicted with for graduation, no one to laugh with in class, no one to pass notes to. in dance, only my brother would dance with me. no one else would touch me, not even my wrist. those years were some of the worse, because i had not kiyo, no linden, no eden to tell. i couldn't tell the younger kids. it was hell.
and all because of brynn.

so when bella first said she was friends with her, i was like 'What,! because i colnt belive it. this girl had atculy tried to pin the blame of one of the lies on bella, but i wasn't fooled. i accepted it though. i know i can't choose other's friends.
but today was to much. when bella brough brynn to this, this party, i felt my insides churnning, yearning to take brynn aside and scream at her,' how could you' and say i was sorry at the same time. i felt horrible. i got though the evening, but i hardly cracked a smile. i felt like just rumming of and crying. that was im doing now, facing my memories, the memories i tried to keep locked away. im just so shocked that bella could do this, bring the girl she knows destroyed me to this party, where i was suposed to be planning and having fun. i'm still reeling. i couln't leave, both my parents were busy, but oh how i wanted to leave, to run, to hide, to go home and cry and supress the memories. but they don't stop, i can still see her there, queen, her friends jeering at me, laughing when i hurt myself in pe, throwing things and calling insults, and laughing... the sound of her laughter hurts, hurts me inside so bad. and thats all i hear tonight.
i've tried to forgive her, i really have. i've prayed about it, prayed and prayed and tried. but i can't. i just can't. i hope tomorrow will be better. bella, i don't care about what you think now. tomoorow i'll probably be freaking out, thinking 'bella, please don't hate me', but right now, i am so... i don't know
angry and horrifide and tick off and heartbroken and shocked and upset and angry. thinking, how could you, and why and how could you do this to me.
and you know what!? frankly, im disapointed in you. disapointed and sorry. sorry that you can just forget. i just hope YOU don't act crazy around her. because that how i was, and it'll just be a matter of time. i don't give a flea's butt how this makes you feel, to me, right now, you deserve it.
anyway, more later.